It seems like an appropriate day to stumble across that coincidence, however, because Danielle and I were just talking today how life sometimes seems like you need to learn the same lessons over and over but never end up getting it right. It especially seems appropriate tonight considering the country just elected a Republican Congress again (totally a joke, but I couldn't resist. I forgot to send in my ballot so who am I to even complain?)
As the year rolls along, it seems like I relearn lessons over and over. Amate has had a lot of community aimed at promoting honest and often painful discussions, and many of these discussions have finally forced us to stop tip-toeing around difficult issues. At this point, most of our issues are minor--most are about expectations for our community. It always amazes me how difficult it is to get 13 people on the same page. I learned this lesson last year but it seems I'm doomed to relearning everything constantly.
I chose Lennon's quote because I returned for Amate for two reasons: I wanted a venue that promotes vocation discernment and helps me develop a faith life. I assumed returning to a program I know and love would let me focus on the above two areas and I could avoid surprises or unexpected twists.
Maybe I'm more of a control freak than I'll admit to myself.
It seems as if I'm ignoring both of my goals some of the time, but I think it's really just that you can't plan your life to a T. I went through a lot of humbling last year in my faith life and felt I was ready to move on and approach it from a more positive angle. It seems that God wants me to hit rock bottom in my spirituality before I can bounce back.
The humbling is good, however. I'm meeting with a spiritual companion that Amate provides. He is the campus minister at DePaul University and he really has been a challenging individual for me. Whenever questions get too personal, I tend to sidestep but he doesn't let me get away with it. He asks very blunt questions that I can't get away from.
One spiritual thing that has really stuck with me this year is the idea that we are all broken. We all carry tremendous amounts of baggage and constantly make decisions that are self-centered in cruel. It always seemed like condemnation to me whenever a Priest would say "you are a sinner" but it has completely changed for me of late. Instead of condemnation, I think it is meant to be a liberation: if we can just acknowledge our selfishness and pettiness, I've found it helps me accept my failures instead of trying to "fix" them one by one. Rather than learning and fixing and moving on, we accept the lessons will need to be learned again and again and seek to embrace the humility of our futility. It's hard to explain in a blog, but I'd be happy to talk to anyone about this if you are curious.
On the vocation front? Slow-moving as always I'm afraid. I'll update with more later! Off to my appeal letter!
