So I took a week off from writing due to the Notre Dame game. And then another for a retreat. Time to catch up.
I'm going to post this blog from last week, then post two more in the next few days.
These last two weeks have shown me the extremes of my work. Last week was emotionally tough; I saw more pain and hopelessness than I could cope with. I hit a point where I needed to reevaluate how I approach my work. My typical coping mechanism involved activities at home that would help me unwind at the end of the day. I'd listen to music or immerse myself in books to escape the sadness I was experiencing on a daily basis.
This method was failing me because it wouldn't prepare me for the next day. My coping mechanism when facing the trauma was hoping that I wouldn't get too stressed until I made it home.
I spoke about this problem with my roommates and my supervisor Mario. My roommates sought to reassure me about the good that we were able to do at the Kovler Center. It occurred to me that I failed to see past the sadness every day. I was too blinded by the sadness to see the good. However, Mario was able to articulate my needs better than anyone.
Mario has been working with torture victims for 35 years, and in his experience he found there's a difference between recovery and healing. We often use the words interchangeably but note that the word is re-cover. The "re" implies a return; in this case, a return to the way one was before.
Torture is so severe that recovery is impossible. It's impossible for those who endure it, those who see it, and those who work with it. You cannot just bury the sadness or "get over it." Trauma forever changes people and on one level that's a good thing. What would it mean to the survivors if I returned to "normalcy" at the end of this year. It insults there struggle to do so. I've been changed drastically, and that's a good thing. Now, I need to learn how what I've seen shapes who I am and who I choose to be. I'll likely spend months attempting to figure this all out. It's great that Amate gives us so much time to reflect on it all!
I'm going to post this blog from last week, then post two more in the next few days.
These last two weeks have shown me the extremes of my work. Last week was emotionally tough; I saw more pain and hopelessness than I could cope with. I hit a point where I needed to reevaluate how I approach my work. My typical coping mechanism involved activities at home that would help me unwind at the end of the day. I'd listen to music or immerse myself in books to escape the sadness I was experiencing on a daily basis.
This method was failing me because it wouldn't prepare me for the next day. My coping mechanism when facing the trauma was hoping that I wouldn't get too stressed until I made it home.
I spoke about this problem with my roommates and my supervisor Mario. My roommates sought to reassure me about the good that we were able to do at the Kovler Center. It occurred to me that I failed to see past the sadness every day. I was too blinded by the sadness to see the good. However, Mario was able to articulate my needs better than anyone.
Mario has been working with torture victims for 35 years, and in his experience he found there's a difference between recovery and healing. We often use the words interchangeably but note that the word is re-cover. The "re" implies a return; in this case, a return to the way one was before.
Torture is so severe that recovery is impossible. It's impossible for those who endure it, those who see it, and those who work with it. You cannot just bury the sadness or "get over it." Trauma forever changes people and on one level that's a good thing. What would it mean to the survivors if I returned to "normalcy" at the end of this year. It insults there struggle to do so. I've been changed drastically, and that's a good thing. Now, I need to learn how what I've seen shapes who I am and who I choose to be. I'll likely spend months attempting to figure this all out. It's great that Amate gives us so much time to reflect on it all!
I'm sure I will comment on this later but one thing sticks out in my head right now. You told me that God only gives us things that we can handle, whether or not we see it. Have faith in God that you are doing the right thing and that you will be able to deal with this.
ReplyDeleteIt takes courage to share your feelings so openly on your blog. Glad you have support to help you as you take this journey.
ReplyDeleteMichael,
ReplyDeleteYour very presence has already been a gift to those you serve. They are blessed to have you working on their behalf. Your proud Nannie
Michael,
ReplyDeletePlease update...I might have to start resort to reading the news and we don't want that...
Love,
You know who
Wow...you make such good points and i really admire the way you are seeking help for yourself.
ReplyDeleteSometimes Buddhism is helpful in these situations: life is suffering. Life is death. No matter how distanced we feel from suffering and death at some points of our life, they are undeniably there.
The lotus flower grows from the mud.
I know my village was not a place of torture, but it was a place of malnutrition, food insecurity, deforestation, and sickness. Yet every day people told each other that God was great and they were in peace. Babies were born and even if they are more mouths to feed, they were celebrated. They improvised jokes and laughter and sometimes even dance at every chance. The coming of any guest meant the joy of having the guest and the shame and stress of scrambling to feed them well. But they would never trade the good parts of life so they would not have to experience the bad: did they even see the good/bad or just good, as bad is undeniable and expected?
Westerners love the idea of progress, but you are right: CHANGE is the only inevitable thing.
The lotus flower grows from the mud. That s how I try to think of it. A more enlightened Buddhist would gently remind me that the lotus flower is the mud. But the image of growing is about where I am about now. :) And i'm a bit drunk from pain pills for my surgery so i hope this all made sense.
Regardless , I LOVE YOU AND AM SO PROUD OF YOU. I can t wait to learn more from you at thanksgiving. Not a day goes by when i don t think about you or brag about you to my new friends. We re all behind you, too. :)
post something new or else i'm going to start doing your posting...Pat can hack me in...we'll have fun :-D
ReplyDeleteI am so amazed by all you've written. Thank you for teaching us!!!!!!!!!!!
ReplyDeleteI love you