Halfway through Year Two

Hello to my faithful few,

It's been extremely challenging to write anything on this blog for the last few months. Every time I try to tell my story, it was either nothing new was happening or nothing exciting. I know several of my blogs have been "life has been so challenging" or "I get weighed down by it all" so I didn't really find the need to repeat these over and over.

It occurred to me that if I keep wanting to write these mopey blog posts every week for the last few months, I may have a consistent issue that I need to cope with.

After reflecting, meeting with my work supervisor and meeting with Annie, we all decided that I'm simply going through burnout. It surprised me; it is one of those things they warn you about but one always feels you'll be the exception.

To give you a sense of what it felt like, I'll give you a brief description:

Everyday at work, I sit at my desk doing the work I didn't finish yesterday. Every three minutes or so, the doorbell rings and a client asks something of me. Every 15 minutes or so, my phone rings. Every hour or so, a clinician comes in with a request. The work load is not particularly overwhelming, but any doorbell or phone call could lead to a crisis. I never knew whether a client would bring a simple problem or a complex problem. I was always on edge and usually overwhelmed by the problems facing my clients. In this line of work, all you do is give. Give, give, give, give, give. People just take from you all day long. Anytime someone walked into my office, it meant work. For some reason, it never bothered me before.

It began to bother me because I lacked a major component of my work: self-care. I watched a webinar at work on vicarious trauma (therapists and doctors who are around people with PTSD can actually develop PTSD themselves if they aren't careful). One of the best parts about the webinar was it reminded us in the torture treatment field that it isn't normal to see the effects of torture every day. While torture does happen everyday, it sure isn't normal to be reminded of that.

So anyways, I realized it was a component of my life that I was lacking. I began to address it and things are already better. If all you do is give, give, give and you aren't replenishing your source (through self-care) you begin to resent. You resent that you help others but you never help yourself. Addressing this has already helped. Even a mindset change can go a long way.

One of my self-tactics is to find a little bit of humor in my work and we had a great one yesterday.

Part of my job is to coordinate dental appointments. Typically, our clients are on the run for a few years so they lack dental care. They often have cavities or gum disease so it's complicated to schedule. An average referral involves sending them to a dentist where we find Medicaid won't cover the root canal they need so I need to find another dentist.

Our client came back from the dentist, and as usual, Medicaid wouldn't cover the procedure or the medicine (Clinipro 5000 dexaflorupanz or something like that) to treat it. Tracking down the dentist to find out exactly the procedure and medicine was tricky. It took Corrie and me about 2 hours. What was the procedure? A cleaning and Clinipro 5000 dexaflorupanz is none other than toothpaste. We enjoyed that one. That must be what immigrants go through daily.

Since the year is already half over, second years have a lot of things upcoming. We have a second year retreat this weekend (Annie, my director told me we have nothing really planned--just some time to read and pray and Ryan is going to cook for us (an Amate volunteer that gets a weekend to read and has meals prepared for them is more or less Amate heaven)). Afterwards, we're going to meet with prospective second year volunteers on Wednesday. After that comes winter retreat and my last few months at Kovler.

I'm about ready to move on. I've decided I'd like to see what being a lawyer would be like so I'm beginning to look at paralegal positions for next year. I'm already excited about having my Wednesday nights back (no mandatory events) and being able to use my computer without guilt!

Life is what happens to you while your busy making other plans

So I figured it'd be a tad cheesy and would apologize for such a cliched title to my blog, but then I was reading unpublished posts that I forgot to publish last year and one included that John Lennon quote as well as an apology for using cliches. So much for original ideas I guess.

It seems like an appropriate day to stumble across that coincidence, however, because Danielle and I were just talking today how life sometimes seems like you need to learn the same lessons over and over but never end up getting it right. It especially seems appropriate tonight considering the country just elected a Republican Congress again (totally a joke, but I couldn't resist. I forgot to send in my ballot so who am I to even complain?)

As the year rolls along, it seems like I relearn lessons over and over. Amate has had a lot of community aimed at promoting honest and often painful discussions, and many of these discussions have finally forced us to stop tip-toeing around difficult issues. At this point, most of our issues are minor--most are about expectations for our community. It always amazes me how difficult it is to get 13 people on the same page. I learned this lesson last year but it seems I'm doomed to relearning everything constantly.

I chose Lennon's quote because I returned for Amate for two reasons: I wanted a venue that promotes vocation discernment and helps me develop a faith life. I assumed returning to a program I know and love would let me focus on the above two areas and I could avoid surprises or unexpected twists.

Maybe I'm more of a control freak than I'll admit to myself.

It seems as if I'm ignoring both of my goals some of the time, but I think it's really just that you can't plan your life to a T. I went through a lot of humbling last year in my faith life and felt I was ready to move on and approach it from a more positive angle. It seems that God wants me to hit rock bottom in my spirituality before I can bounce back.

The humbling is good, however. I'm meeting with a spiritual companion that Amate provides. He is the campus minister at DePaul University and he really has been a challenging individual for me. Whenever questions get too personal, I tend to sidestep but he doesn't let me get away with it. He asks very blunt questions that I can't get away from.

One spiritual thing that has really stuck with me this year is the idea that we are all broken. We all carry tremendous amounts of baggage and constantly make decisions that are self-centered in cruel. It always seemed like condemnation to me whenever a Priest would say "you are a sinner" but it has completely changed for me of late. Instead of condemnation, I think it is meant to be a liberation: if we can just acknowledge our selfishness and pettiness, I've found it helps me accept my failures instead of trying to "fix" them one by one. Rather than learning and fixing and moving on, we accept the lessons will need to be learned again and again and seek to embrace the humility of our futility. It's hard to explain in a blog, but I'd be happy to talk to anyone about this if you are curious.

On the vocation front? Slow-moving as always I'm afraid. I'll update with more later! Off to my appeal letter!

My second (and final) year begins

Hello to all my faithful readers (my parents at this point, I think)!

In many ways, I returned to Amate to bring a little continuity to my life. Ever since I left home for college, I've been moving around constantly to new dorms, cities, etc. In some ways, I thought Amate would be a comfortable option. It didn't exactly work like that.

The biggest shock has definitely been my new housemates. As much as I attempted to prepare myself, I wasn't ready to meet 10 new people and immediately put them into a central role in my life. Forming a new community is very similar to breaking up with your significant other and begin dating other people. You sit at the dinner table with new people and know that this person will soon hold a very dear place in your life--however, that is just not the case quite yet. It is even more challenging considering your ex-girlfriend (1st community) lives in Chicago and you really didn't break up for good. Whenever I see Jessie or Jen in other communities, we exchange pained looks. It's a rough transition.

Work hasn't been an easy transition either. The first day was wonderful: it was like returning home to a family of wonderful people working so hard for others. However, we've had major budget issues over the summer, and it's very strange to see someone else in my desk.

Despite my whining, I'm excited to be back. I ultimately returned because I needed one more year for personal growth. I felt I learned a lot about the world last year, and I'd like to spend this year learning more about myself. I also have a new goal: hope.

We met for orientation to discuss "social justice." Social justice, to me, is a the "sexy" issue in the church right now. It attracts a peculiar group of people--activists. The ideas are inflaming due to the extreme possibilities of large-scale restructuring. We wouldn't need a Kovler Center if mental health facilities were freely offered to anyone and immigration reform addressed the hardships our clients face. Last year brought about a major setback, however. Without getting too political, I felt betrayed by the new Health Care Law. I voted for Obama almost entirely because he was striving to implement major reforms in our health care system. There was talk about a public option and health insurance for all. Unfortunately, the very first thing to go was health insurance for undocumented immigrants (aka my clients). Afterwards went the public option, and we were left with an ugly, complicated system that basically helped the insurance companies more than the American people. Power mobilized to help the people helped those already with power and money.

Dad, I now understand why you are a conservative. I still think the Republicans are just as bad though, ;)

So I went through my "fake Catholic Worker" stage next. I obsessed over the notion of individual and personal justice. Want to help the poor--invite them into your home. Don't rely on large structures to solve your problems. I began to read Stanley Hauerwaus and Shane Clairborne but only on a very shallow level. I realized I wanted to live the philosophies of Dorothy Day, but I had never ever read her works. In reality, she does want us to work on the smaller scales but not to ignore large scales. She constantly practiced civil disobedience against unjust structures. It was more nuanced than I was willing to admit.

Taking my fake philosophy to its extreme means to have no hope. To think that political structures will side against the poor is (sadly) realistic, but it doesn't always have to be like that. England left India after Gandhi and the Civil Rights Legislation was passed after the heroic work of MLK Jr. However, is racism dead? Of course not. It's about a balance and to always strive for hope that things can be better while remembering:

We cannot do everything, and there is a sense of liberation
in realizing that. This enables us to do something,
and to do it very well. It may be incomplete,
but it is a beginning, a step along the way,
an opportunity for the Lord's grace to enter and do the rest.

We may never see the end results, but that is the difference
between the master builder and the worker.

We are workers, not master builders; ministers, not messiahs.
We are prophets of a future not our own.

Amen, Oscar Romero.

Here's to my second year! May God bless it with prayer, service, community, and above all--hope.

Year in Review

Well, I'm pretty sure I've lost all of the people who may have been following my blog since I haven't written anything since MLK Jr day.

As a brief update: I have decided to return for a second year with Amate House. As this year was wrapping up, I began to look for job positions throughout the midwest. I really began to struggle because I really didn't know what to look for. I chose Amate House because it was a great program that could give me medical experience for medical school. Midway through this year, it became apparent that medical school is no longer the frontrunner in my mind. I haven't completely ruled it out as a possibility, but it occurred to me that I need more time to recognize what my interests and passions are.

Amate House has been a wonderful experience for me; it provides a venue in which I can examine who I am as a person and what my goals are in life. Planning ahead is a real struggle for me because I constantly worry about making the "wrong" decision. Another year will challenge me to fight my weaknesses and have a clearer picture of my future plans.

I'll update more this week. I'd like to talk about things that occurred this last 5 months or so.

Stay tuned.

MLK Jr. In-Service Day

So after only 1 full week back at work, it's already time for a three-day weekend. Initially, I was disappointed to see that we had an Amate event on Monday because work fatigue is really making me long for real vacations. Amate events are wonderful but they are by no means vacations.

I decided I really wanted to get the most out of the in-service day so on Sunday I read some speeches by MLK Jr. I of course read the famed "I have a dream speech" but I also came across a speech called "Beyond Vietnam" that stunned me.

(full text here: http://www.americanrhetoric.com/speeches/mlkatimetobreaksilence.htm)

When McCain was running for President, some criticized him for voting against making today a federal holiday. McCain's argument was he was against the government doing a lot of symbolic actions. I have a lot of respect for McCain and understand that we have a congress who only last year passed initiatives recognizing Christianity, Islam, and Judaism as "great religions" and that symbolic gestures can get ridiculous so while I disagree I can at least understand the sentiment. The US govt does waste a lot of time on symbolic gestures. However, many other people voted against the holiday because MLK was a "communist" and "just stirred up trouble." After reading the speech, I understood what the issue was really about.

In his speech on Vietnam, MLK acknowledged for the first time that he fervently believed that the Vietnam War was extremely immoral. He fiercely criticized how much money was being spent at the cost of both the poor in Vietnam and the poor in the United States. He stated in his speech that a "nation that continues year after year to spend more money on military defense than on programs of social uplift is approaching spiritual death." Our current government spends anywhere from 20-54% of our spending on military spending (depending on who you ask), and we account for 47% of the world's military spending. For a nation that is not even in a Cold War it's simply inexcusable. To be blunt, I fail to see how a "Christian nation" could even defend those numbers.

In addition, he was quite radical about major societal reconstructions. Here's one of his most powerful quotes: "A true revolution of values will soon cause us to question the fairness and justice of many of our past and present policies. On the one hand, we are called to play the Good Samaritan on life's roadside, but that will be only an initial act. One day we must come to see that the whole Jericho Road must be transformed so that men and women will not be constantly beaten and robbed as they make their journey on life's highway. True compassion is more than flinging a coin to a beggar. It comes to see that an edifice which produces beggars needs restructuring." It seems to me that this following quote (found in Batman Begins) is quite applicable: "You either die a hero, or live long enough to see yourself become a villain."

Dad and Billy, I hope I haven't lost you yet. Just stick with it because it gets more positive.

So today was a wonderfully positive day. It was a day to focus on social justice through reflective thought. We left the city and went to a retreat center near Wisconsin. We were instructed to spend three hours in silence. Journaling, reading, or meditating was encouraged. I spend the first hour in Eucharistic Adoration, spent the second hour reading a wonderful article called "The Burden of Nonviolence" and spent the last hour in the seminary's mass. The article examined fatigue in nonviolence from the perspective of a nun that's spent her life fighting the nuclear arms race. She reminds us that "the one carrying the greatest burden is the one carrying no burden at all." What she means is while the fight for justice can be a heavy burden, living a life where nonviolence is considered a joke is even worse because you can't even bring yourself to trust others. It was helpful because it spoke to a lot of frustrations in the torture field. Progress often seems impossible as your own government threatens to cut funding every year and refuses to investigate the past injustices in prisons on American military bases in Europe and Cuba. The article did wonders for my attitude.

After lunch, we discussed areas of injustice we see at work. It's a tough issue for me because I see our work at Kovler as purely reactionary. We don't really campaign against torture, but instead we merely help survivors piece their lives back together. I feel like I'm fishing for garbage in a river when maybe we should be closing the factories upstream that pollute.

In addition, MLK day is a great day to wonder how Catholics or Christians in general can bring about a positive change. Currently in Catholicism, there are two conflicting paradigms: Liberation Theology (which advocates political activism) and Evangelical Catholicism (which advocates withdrawing from the political structure; i.e. the Catholic Worker Movement). Studying Liberation Theology is empowering because it emphasizes bringing large structural changes to society. However, the Catholic Worker reminds us that Jesus never said that we should "take Rome for Christ" but rather give up all possessions and minister to communities. They believe the Church should distance itself from the state and the idea of a "Christian nation" has failed time and time again. It points to the fact that the Southern Baptist Convention declared the invasion of Iraq in 2003 as "just and necessary." I fail to see how a preemptive war that left over 100,000 civilians dead fits into Christ's message of radical nonviolence. It's a difficult question and both sides have a plethora of theories and writings to defend their respective sides. It's a question that's been on my mind since I took Professor Baxter's class on Catholicism in American Politics. I imagine the balance is found somewhere in the middle, but it's a subject to which I shall return.

All in all, I've decided MLK day is a wonderful day for everyone to examine the Church's role in social justice issues. He was a true Christian that ultimately died in the fight against injustice. He rightly should be celebrated.

Pros and Cons of Open Communication

Amate REALLY stresses striving for complete openness in the community. I would argue from my experience that it's the most important part of community living. It occasionally hits me that I didn't choose to room with any of my housemates-- none of did. Instead, we allowed ourselves to be open to rooming with anyone.

Community living requires heaps of flexibility. I quickly realized that I probably wouldn't necessarily be great friends with every single person in my community outside of Amate House. Nevertheless, I spend hours with these people so it's impossible just to "tolerate" someone. Communication allows deep and highly personal discussions. Things that irritate you about your roommates should most likely be addressed verbally. It sounds cruel, but I remember I once annoyed Becca by getting something out of her room when she wasn't around. She, being a wise second-year Amatian, sat be down and explained why it bothered her. It was a little thing, but it was nice to express both sides of the issue so no resentment could build up.

While little things maybe could (or even should) go unsaid, big issues are really difficult to confront.

We had a house meeting on Thursday, a sort of "State of the House" address by anyone wishing to speak their mind. Two difficult issues arose.

1. People either commute via CTA, walk, or drive to work. If you drive, the car is yours during the day and the gas is paid by Amate. If you drive anywhere else, the cars are considered communal and you are charged $0.25 per mile. Pretty fair system, but it's trickier with the CTA passes. The four of us that commute are given 30 day passes. Up until this point, the four of us have kept our passes on the weekend and loan them out if anyone needs one. On Thursday, a few of the drivers said that they don't understand why CTA passes are not communal like the cars. They felt CTA passes should be deposited by the car keys once the workday ended. Ultimately, it comes down to a power issue over who control the passes. It seems like a minor issue, but the El costs $2.25 per ride. If you want to go downtown, it automatically costs almost $5 every time which quickly ads up when you only make $100 per month. A lot of annoyance was released on both sides. No resolution was reached.

2. Probably the most difficult issue is that everyone had different expectations coming into this year. We were told that we could only leave the community for 10 days total throughout the year. Some people have been gone for over 15 days already and we're only half way through. I expressed my frustration that while I'm glad people get to see family each month, it's sometimes difficult for me to see everyone leave while I only get to see my family about once every 6 months. This conversation carried a lot of emotion and many feelings were hurt. No resolution was reached here either.

It was my first realization that sometimes things just won't be worked out. I know this probably sounds melodramatic, but we really all invest a lot of emotion into this experience. Communal living is wonderful, but it takes so much work. I guess I'm starting to wonder where you go when there's no place else to go? When you've said all their is to be said and there's no reconciliation, what happens? I feel in most instances you just go your separate way, but in communal living, there's no place to go. I think it shows why communal living is so powerful because you can't simply walk away. Everything must be dealt with.

Fatigue and Serenity

My parents warned me before graduating that the next few years in my life were among the most difficult to cope with. I would have to agree already. Working forty hours a week was demanding from the first day onward, but a deep fatigue begins to settle after several months.

(This intro is partially to explain away my lack of writing. I thank all those who hassled me over the break about writing more. It worked; here I am).

So the general fatigue is partly due to routine. This job particularly has its routines that are broken up by major crises. The working world is tough; there's definitely an adjustment that needs to take place.

At Kovler, there is a deeper fatigue that sets in: fatigue in facing such tragedy. My new position (we rotate services at Kovler every three months) is to assess eligibility. Any referral that Kovler receives goes through me. I sit down with potential clients to see whether they are eligible for services. To be eligible, the client must have been tortured by the US definition (severe physical or emotional pain, torturer acting under the color of law, not by lawful sanctions, outside US).

The purpose of these meetings is two-fold: we are federally funded so the gov't wants to know whether we are using their money correctly, but more importantly, torture is a very unique trauma. Clients deal with a lot of guilt that others of similar traumas do not. Where government officials can beat up anyone on the streets, it is different when someone is singled out and targeted. Our clients often deal with guilt because they know that if they weren't in the opposition party/Muslim/homosexual/Hutu etc, etc, etc that it wouldn't have happened. We are really best suited to treat torture and torture alone.

So these meetings are really emotional. We meet for about 30 minutes, and it is my job to find out whether they were tortured. I need to ask specific questions to know the severity of the torture and the purpose behind it. These meetings are extremely painful for the client and very stressful for me as well. It's not easy to hear these stories, and fatigue settles in some days.

My dad was really helpful over break by helping me to focus on the positive. He reminded me that I didn't torture them and I didn't create the unjust immigration system that prevents them from progressing both mentally and economically. It's on days like these that I find help in the Serenity prayer.

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

I always thought it was limiting to assume that things couldn't be changed. When I was younger, I preferred the Calvin and Hobbes prayer:

God grant me

the strength to change what I can;

the inability to accept what I can’t;

and the incapacity to tell the difference.

While Calvin's prayer has it's appeal, it falls short because there are things I simply cannot change. I cannot make court days come faster or move just a week later; I can't get my client who's dying an appointment with a cardiologist any faster. I do what I can, and take it one day at a time trying to use what skills I have to better those I see. It's all any of us can do in this line of work, and we rejoice in the days our clients are granted asylum or see that doctor. Just the other day, one of our most dire clients walked in and announced that the new year is here and the past is behind us! To see a client with no home, no family and no hope have such a drastic change in a mere 4 months is truly miraculous.